Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
