I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
