she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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