can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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