she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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