Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize