omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize