I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize