What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
