I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
