so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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