I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's blow job season.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
