Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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