My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
