Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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