My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
