At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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