Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
