Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
