Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
