Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
