We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
