ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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