Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
