just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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