There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
