dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You may now shotgun with the bride
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
