i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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