I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I faked an abortion last night.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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