he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
