I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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