you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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