Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
