My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
