Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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