i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
