can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
