Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my being single is dangerous.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
