seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just invented taco cereal.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
