making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize