Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
