I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
