my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
