Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
