My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she peed on how many people?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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