he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize