Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
