Kiss
Puke
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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