Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
