if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
