took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
50% drunk capacity currently
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize