I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
