I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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