Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize