I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
