Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
