Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
