Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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